Retreat reconnects couples before, after deployments

  • Published
  • By Louis A. Arana-Barradas
  • Air Force Print News
HUNT, Texas (AFPN) --  On the banks of the Guadalupe River, a veterans group hosts a retreat that helps couples reconnect so they can better cope with life after deployments.

Six couples attended the retreat hosted by the Military, Veteran and Family Assistance Foundation at the Heart of the Hills Camp here from April 20 to 27.

“I thought this was going to be very structured -- a mandatory fun kind of thing,” said Senior Airman Aaron Childs, who attended with his wife, Mellissa. “But it’s nothing like that. It’s laid back. Everyone is here to help you.”

Mrs. Childs said that from the first day the staff did not just focus on the military member.

“They don’t leave the spouse out,” she said. “They really care about us.”

The F-15E Strike Eagle crew chief with the 335th Aircraft Maintenance Unit and his wife were one of three couples who attended from Seymour Johnson Air Force Base, N.C.

The camp is in the picturesque Texas Hill Country, about 90 miles northwest of San Antonio.
 
The out-of-the-way location, with access to recreational activities, is quiet and ideal for the transition process to begin, foundation executive director Tom Wagner said.

“We give couples a safe environment where they can relax and get to know each other again,” he said. “And we give them some techniques and principles on how to communicate better.”

Based in Dallas, the nonprofit group helps servicemembers transition from duty on the front lines of the war on terrorism back to their everyday lives with their spouses, family and community. Mr. Wagner said the idea behind the foundation’s work is simple.

“When a Soldier goes to war, the family goes to war -- and their community goes to war,” he said. “We hope these retreats will help bring them all back together.”

Mr. Wagner, a Vietnam War veteran, knows about the effects of war on a family. He worked almost 35 years for the Veterans Administration, now called Veterans Affairs. About 18 months ago, while talking to his brother, Dr. Jim Wagner, about the effects of the war on family members, the idea for the foundation took shape. The former Soldier said the foundation is the brainchild of his brother and Teresa Goforth.

Dr. Wagner, a retired Army Reserve colonel, has helped care for returning war veterans since Vietnam. As the director of the family assistance unit at Walter Reed Army Medical Center in Washington, D.C., he saw firsthand the effects separations have on servicemembers and their families. Ms. Goforth, an American Airlines international purser, has been helping take troops to America’s wars since Vietnam. She also runs her own organization to help them -- the U.S. Wounded Soldiers Foundation.

The three agree the VA does a great job taking good care of America’s wounded troops. VA hospitals are well-equipped to take care of the physical wounds and provide rehabilitation. That is where the organization focuses its spending. But it does not have the needed funds to help take care of the social, emotional, spiritual and economic needs of the servicemember’s family and community, he said.

“The VA is limited in what it can do for the spouse and children,” Mr. Wagner said. “As a result, we thought there was a void there we could fill.”

After registering the foundation, they went out to find the funds to pay for their dream. They found donors in the business community. That allows the foundation to pick up the tab for all the participants’ expenses, from air fare to paying for fishing bait.

The retreats -- called the Phoenix Project -- are how they hope to help servicemembers and their spouses regroup and find ways to better deal with life after a deployment.

“These retreats give returning servicemembers peace -- and peace within their families,” said Dr. Wagner, chairman of the foundation’s advisory board. “We bring people to this place so that, together, they can really heal each other.”

At the retreat, active duty, Guard and Reserve and veteran Airmen, Soldiers, Sailors, Marines and Coast Guardsmen and their spouses have “an opportunity to regroup,” he said. They do that through a loosely structured program that provides a mix of treatment, education, motivation and recreation to help couples bond.

“All these things address the social, emotional, spiritual and economic wounds these servicemembers and their families have experienced in the war,” Dr. Wagner said.

During the week, the foundation staff tries to address the issues facing military families before, during and after a deployment. Everyone is encouraged to attend the group sessions where everyone has a chance to participate. Or they may just elect to just spend time by themselves. Each person decides whether or not to participate in any of the activities.

“And things aren’t so structured that we can’t change them to meet the needs of our participants,” said Ms. Goforth, the foundation’s director of development. “We’re flexible.”

Mrs. Childs did not know what she and her husband were getting into at the retreat.

“I thought, 'Oh great, they’re going to have a psychologist,' that this was a therapy thing to make sure we don’t have (post traumatic stress syndrome,)” she said. “But it isn’t like that. We’re not crazy. Other people are going through the same thing. We just had open discussions.”

There is a lot of discussion, mostly informal. And the serene location of the camp helps accomplish the retreat’s intent. There are no telephones and cellular telephone reception is poor. There are no televisions, radios or Internet access to cause distractions. Instead, couples spend a week hiking, swimming, fishing, horseback riding, playing basketball or volleyball, getting a massage, relaxing and eating meals together. These are ways for couples to get to know each other again.

Ms. Goforth said each of the retreat’s activities has a specific purpose.

“Each one is a way to get them talking,” she said. It is also a way for the couples to get to know each other, so they are more comfortable when they attend group sessions.

One of the retreat’s most popular activities -- and perhaps most important for the couples -- is the horseback riding, Ms. Goforth said.

“When someone comes back from the war, they’ve bonded and have all their trust with their unit because that’s where they’re going to live or die,” Ms. Goforth said.

Sometimes it is hard to break the bond and transfer the trust back to the spouse. Being around horses helps do that, she said.

“A horse knows all of your feelings. It is very sensitive,” she said. “You have to trust that horse is not going to kick you, throw you off or bite you. And you have to gain its trust to ride it.”

So when attendees first arrive, one of the first things they do is go to the stables and meet the horses. After being around the horses, brushing, feeding and saddling them up, the servicemembers start to trust the horses.

“It’s like a practice session,” she said. “It’s one way they start transferring the trust they’d put 100 percent into their unit back to their family.”

Sgt. Jon Behlke, a noncommissioned officer with the Pennsylvania Army Reserve’s 23rd Adjutant General Company, found it was hard to transfer trust when he got back from Iraq. He had been married two weeks when he deployed to the middle of the Sunni Triangle, to Forward Operating Base Kalsu, for 11 months. His wife, also a Soldier, had a hard time with the separation. And when he got back, Sgt. Jenifer Behlke was busy helping people in her unit deploy to Iraq.

The couple has not had to time reestablish their relationship. The retreat was the chance for the couple to get to know each other.

“This retreat is the longest time we’ve gotten to spend together as a married couple,” Jon said. “We’ve had the opportunity to talk on a level where we now understand each other better, to know each other’s concerns.”

The Childses jumped at the chance to participate in the retreat. Airman Childs was already separated from his wife of three years during one deployment and felt this experience would help his wife better cope when he deploys again in a few weeks. He worries about leaving her alone. So he welcomed the retreat as a chance for them to get closer.

“We never had a real honeymoon because we got married the day after I graduated from basic training,” Airman Childs said. “So we had a four-hour honeymoon. Then I went to tech school and didn’t see Mellissa for a month.”

Mrs. Childs said she had a hard time coping with her husband being gone the last time. To manage, she sometimes called her mother “10 times a day.” And sometimes she had to turn to neighbors for help, like when her lawnmower would not start. She tried to keep busy going to school full time and working. But she admits she couldn’t go it alone.

But for this next deployment, things will be different, she said. She plans keeping in touch with the other spouses from her base that she befriended at the camp. And though she will still miss her husband, having gone to the retreat has better prepared her for their next separation.

“I learned a lot about how to communicate better,” Mrs. Childs said. “I’m more prepared for his departure this time.”