The ones left behind

  • Published
  • By Rochelle Chambers
  • Military spouse
HELOTES, Texas (AFPN) --  War is not something that penetrates the thoughts of most Americans every waking moment, even though we have been at war for more than five years now with the war on terrorism. 

To us, it seems to be this distant event unfolding in a faraway place, therefore not affecting any of us directly. We catch a glimpse of it on the evening news or Internet. 

For the men and women who serve in the armed forces, this is a part of everyday life. Our servicemembers are doing a courageous job of serving and protecting our country. They willingly give up their time, family, freedom, and even their own lives, so we can continue to go about ours. 

Most people don't realize that when you sign up for the armed services, it is not just a career or full-time job you are accepting, but a way of life. You ultimately become the entity of that branch in every sense of the word. They can tell you where to live, what career you are suited for and where to serve. The men and women in the armed forces sacrifice many of the freedoms that others take for granted every day. 

During war though, it is not only that member who sacrifices, but their families as well. 

The ones left behind are not often thought of as sacrificing or suffering, but most do. Americans are only privy to the tearful goodbyes or warm-hearted welcome backs they see on the evening news. The spouse, who is accustomed to having a partner there, is left to take care of the children, the house, pay bills and even juggle a career. The tasks at hand are not difficult. Ask any single parent who has mastered this intimidating balancing act. But with this comes the emotional battles you fight every day that your loved one is gone. 

The constant worry for their safety, the feelings of being alone and overwhelmed, the struggle of communication -- that comes in the form of choppy e-mails, brief intermittent phone calls and packages sent via the mail -- can permeate a person so deeply that it is hard to snap out of at times. But with that comes the reality that there are people depending on them as well: Their children, family, co-workers and friends. So, they drag themselves out of bed each day and go through the motions of taking care of everything, business as usual. 

Since May 8, 2007, the harshness of war has become very real to me and my family. It is not some event happening in a faraway place, but one happening right here, right now. 

My husband is deployed to Balad Air Base, Iraq, for a four-month tour. He is not fighting on the front lines, so I am told he is in a safe place, if there is such a thing in war. This consolation does not take away from the endless worry I have for his safety. I pray for him each night before I go to bed and each morning when I wake up. I struggle daily with anxiety, stress, fatigue and being alone. Even though I know I have people here who care about me and want to help me, it is not the same as my husband being here with me.

My children are most devastated by this whole process. The oldest understands what war is but, like me, constantly worries about her father's well-being. Our 4-year-old is full of endless questions about when her daddy is coming home and doesn't understand why the plane we just saw overhead is not bringing her daddy back. They both try to be brave. But at night, when it is time for bed, the tears usually start to come and sometimes flood through the bed sheets. 

I try to comfort them, but it is hard when you are an emotional wreck yourself. I wonder if my 1-year-old realizes his daddy is gone or if he has already slipped from his tiny memory. We look at pictures every day and we watch a DVD my husband sent home of him reading books and talking to us. But I don't know if he is making the connection of "Dada" being on television, or if it is just a word he has learned to say. 

Without a doubt, this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my whole life. 

For those of you who are coping or suffering, there are plenty of resources at hand to help you and your family through this difficult period. At your local base, there is the Airman and Family Readiness Flight Center that offers family-oriented events, programs and counseling for family members of deployed Airmen. There are also several unofficial support groups you can find on the Internet, as well as books like, "While They're at War," by Kristin Henderson. The most important thing is to get a network of friends and family onboard before your spouse deploys, to help out in those times of crisis or when you just need a break. 

Don't be afraid to ask for help! Remember to make time for yourself. If you do not take care of yourself, who will take care of your kids? 

Communication is your main line of defense during this arduous affair, so plan special time with your kids to work on projects for your spouse. For example, making cards, baking cookies, sending e-mails, or film your children performing or reading to him or her. Also, make a calendar for the time your spouse is going to be deployed and record special family events. Each day let one of your children mark that day off, so they can visualize the days left before your loved one will return. 

Anything from home is a welcome sight to servicemembers separated from their families. As my husband told me several weeks back, "Thoughts of home are the only thing that get me through the day." 

Remember that they need us supporting them as much as we need support. 

War is a terrible, tragic event that occurs way too often in our world. Not only does it destroy and devastate the lives of the people in that country or region and the servicemembers fighting in it, but also the family members left behind. 

I am trying to be brave, because that is what a military spouse is supposed to do. But none of this is easy. So, each day I get up and do what all parents across the world are doing. I take care of my children, clean house, take out the trash, pay bills and try to act as if it is business as usual. 

But, yes, the horrors of war are penetrating my every thought. 

Editor's note: Mrs. Chambers' husband is Tech. Sgt. Juan Chambers who is currently deployed from the 59th Medical Wing at Lackland Air Force Base, Texas, to Balad Air Base, Iraq. At Balad AB he works in the physical therapy/occupational therapy clinic at the 332nd Expeditionary Medical Group hospital.

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