Confronting conflict and marriage

  • Published
  • By Chaplain (Col.) Tom Schenk
  • 22nd Air Refueling Wing
MCCONNELL AIR FORCE BASE, Kan. (AFPN) --  Domestic violence is a continuing plague in homes across America.

Unfortunately, Air Force homes are not immune. There is some indication that domestic violence is increasing among our Airmen. Undoubtedly, the stress of numerous deployments has fueled the increase. That need not be the case, however.

Sacred scripture states that arguing, especially arguing that descends into violence, reflects immaturity. Immature people lack a proper understanding of conflict. Therefore, they mishandle it, leading to arguing, fighting and even violence.

As one who has argued more than I should in my 31 years of marriage, I have found sacred scripture to be “right on.” I argue with my spouse not because of conflict, but because of my immaturity. How does a mature person understand and handle conflict?

First, he or she expects conflict. The Creator has designed spouses differently, beginning with gender. Beyond gender, however, internal wiring -- our gifts and abilities, our passions, our personalities, our life experiences -- are different.

One is foolish to think that two very different people can live closely together without conflict. Conflict descends into arguing and violence when one is surprised and unprepared for it. Mature people are never surprised by conflict. They expect it.

Second, a mature person respects conflict. While marriage is full of delight, it is also full of danger. Part of the danger is conflict. If you are unprepared and untrained for conflict, it will erupt into arguing and violence, blowing up your relationship.

No one would do convoy duty in Iraq without proper training to deal with improvised explosive devices. To do so would be foolish. In the same vein, to drive down the road of marriage without conflict training is just as foolish. Mature people expect and respect conflict, so they make sure they are trained to defuse it.

Third, a mature person appreciates conflict. Unlike a roadside IED, there is a good side to conflict. Both men and women crave intimacy. They want to love and be loved, to honor and be honored, to know and be known -- not on a surface level, but down deep, to the core of their being. Mature people understand that you cannot achieve this kind of intimacy without conflict. Conflict is the price to be paid to become intimate with another person.

When I reveal my deepest self to my wife, she will be surprised and shocked by what she sees in me, and vice versa. Sometimes the shock comes because what we see is “bad.” But most often we are shocked because it is just different.

Mature people are willing to shock and be shocked in order to be close. To avoid conflict is to avoid intimacy. Mature people appreciate conflict, because conflict is the pathway to drawing close to one’s spouse.

Finally, a mature person utilizes conflict. While respecting its dangers, the mature person appreciates its benefits. Therefore, the mature person utilizes conflict to improve his or her marriage. He or she does so by learning to handle conflict in such a way that it doesn’t blow up, but rather builds up the marriage.

Proper handling of conflict begins with communication. The mature person doesn’t shout to be heard, but becomes silent to hear. The mature person seeks first to understand before trying to be understood. The mature person doesn’t argue a case, but rather seeks a connection.

Conflict invites DV into your home. If mishandled, it invites domestic violence, inflicting hurt on all involved. Properly handled, however, it becomes a distinguished visitor that brings a new intimacy into your marriage. Your maturity determines which DV will visit your house. How mature are you?