Silence is not golden

  • Published
  • By Col. Lela Holden
  • Office of the Air Force Surgeon General
BOLLING AIR FORCE BASE, D.C. (AFPN) --  I am speaking for my friend. I am speaking for her because she won't speak for herself. The pain and conflict surrounding her husband's suicide a number of months ago drags on her spirit and her voice. She has given me permission to speak for her. The message is simple and brief.

First, let me provide some important details that offer context but hopefully do not violate her privacy. She is active duty Air Force. Her husband was active duty but had left the service. They are both over 40. On the day he killed himself, he used the gun he insisted on having in the house. And he used that gun impulsively. She does not believe he intended to kill himself the day he pulled the trigger in a fit of anger. Finally, she experienced his suicide within the context of the intense efforts on the part of the Air Force to reduce suicides. Certainly there are few goals more worthy.

So, what does she want her military and civilian colleagues to know, within this drive and focus in our Air Force to reduce these tragic events?

First, she went to extensive lengths to try to help him but ultimately could not prevent this tragic act. His problems had been many years in the making, and he had sought medical help. There is surely some guilt in living with this tragedy, but to all those who subtly look askance at her and ask, "Couldn't you have done more?" the answer is "no."

Second, she needed then and needs now support and compassion, not pity.

But most of all, she needs more than silence. She has been astonished that so many who knew both of them have been unable to simply say: "I'm sorry for your loss." This condolence and compassion would have come if he had dropped dead of a heart attack. Her loss and grief are no less intense because of the method by which he died. She lost her husband much sooner than she expected in the natural course of life. This is one of the painful mysteries of this life: none of us can ultimately say why things happen. To acknowledge her loss and pain is the compassionate thing to do. She is astonished that so many say nothing.

So, to all of us who want to do the right thing related to suicide, to reach out to those at risk, let us not forget the ones left behind when these tragedies occur. Spouses, friends, supervisors, mental health professionals who did try to help, all who are left behind need to hear that ultimately they did not kill Joe, or Pete, or Mary. Joe or Pete or Mary killed him or herself.

And we need to reach out to those left behind and say something simple, sincere, and helpful: "I know this is a difficult time for you. I'm very sorry for your loss." There are many things we cannot do. That we can do.