Helping children cope with deployment

  • Published
  • By Capt (Dr.) Tim Sheahan
  • 379 Air Expeditionary Wing
OPERATION ENDURING FREEDOM (AFPN) --  Deployments are often very stressful for the people left behind. Those affected most may be the deployed member's children.

Changes seen in children can be distressing for both the stateside and deployed parent, as well as the child struggling with the parent's departure.

The most important information for concerned parents is that their child's response to the deployment, while distressing, is normal. Children cannot respond to change the way adults do, and are unlikely to say "Daddy, I'm sad Mommy's gone, and scared she won't come back."

Here are some common scenarios and helpful information.

When Mommy deploys, the child may "cling" to Dad. The child may act afraid to go to school, become upset if Dad is out of sight, or may want to sleep in the same bed. This may suggest the child is afraid that since Mommy left, Dad may also. Dad must reassure the child and spend time with him or her. Dad must assure the child he is not going anywhere, and that Mommy is coming home as soon as possible.

Another common scenario is to have an "angelic" child become a disobedient "monster." A drop in grades may occur, as may acting out (hitting others, biting, breaking rules, etc). These are the child's tests to see how much of his or her life has changed. Something like "Hmmmm... Mommy is gone, I wonder if the rules have changed about what I can do."

This is not malicious or manipulative, but born of uncertainty. Consistent discipline is crucial. Mommy isn't there, but the rules and consequences that exist to keep the child safe have not changed. This will provide a sense of comfort and consistency.

If you are deployed, here are some general tips to help your child cope with your absence:

Keep in touch! Both parents should work hard to send letters, videos, pictures, back and forth. A letter written from you to your child in its own envelope is invaluable towards making him or her feel special. Be liberal with "I love you."

The stay-at-home parent should keep your picture in a prominent place. He or she should ask the child about any feelings regarding the deployed parent being absent. Let the child know all feelings are okay.

Get a copy of your child's favorite book, read it on an audio tape, and mail it home.

The stay-at-home parent should plan special outings regularly.

The stay-at-home parent should keep in touch with teachers to monitor behavior and performance at school. Many bases have programs available for family members of deployed personnel. Call the family support center.

Conduct an Internet search for "children" and "deployment." You'll find a wealth of material.

As tough as life may be for the deployed member, we tend to forget how our families can be affected. Managing your own stress is very important, but we must commit to easing the stress of those too young to do it for themselves.