Leading through a loss

  • Published
  • By Lt. Col. Jim Ayers
  • 1st Airlift Squadron Commander
ANDREWS AIR FORCE BASE, Md. --  These are the top 10 things I learned when one of my troops committed suicide:

1. There is no checklist. There are checklists for mortuary affairs, casualty notification teams and others but none that I found for commanders. It will seem like you're feeling your way in a pitch-black room searching for a light switch. You were given command because you are a leader. Trust your instincts.

2. Successful suicides are usually those you never see coming. My troop was bright, motivated, gregarious. She had a plan for her future. Some of her closest friends on the planet included people in our squadron. We all had suicide prevention training. None of us foresaw this.

3. This will be a defining moment in your tenure in command. Your squadron, your boss, your boss' boss, your peers, will take their cue from you. "How can we help?" "How is the squadron doing?" People above and below you in the chain of command will want you to lead. Now, more than ever, your squadron will need leadership.

4. Be accessible. Be visible. Be in touch. Forget your e-mail (ok, forget all e-mail except for those from the boss). Spend unannounced quality time in all your work sections. Don't just ask "How ya doin?" in the hallway. They won't tell you. Grab folks by the arm and make them talk, one-on-one. Spend focused time with those three or four folks who were closest to the victim. I had mini-commander's calls every other day for about two weeks where we talked about the investigation, memorial service plans, funeral plans, the family's visit, etc.

5. The events immediately following a suicide will happen at the speed of light. Dealing with the family, talking to the OSI, working with mortuary affairs, notifying the squadron (don't forget those TDY and those who have recently PCSd), sending personnel to the funeral, planning a memorial service (do it as soon as you can, our collective healing process began at the memorial service). Dealing with the suicide aftermath became my No. 1 responsibility. I cleared my calendar, handed my inbox and all flying issues to the director of operations, asked for extensions on all suspenses. Get in front and stay in front of the post suicide events or they will spiral out of your control.

6. There's lots of help out there, use it. Your 1st sergeant and operations officer should know everything you know. You must all be consistent with the message to the squadron. Squadron chaplains are worth their weight in gold, but you need to give chaplains opportunities to forge relationships with folks long before a crisis. Make sure you're including them in everything. I learned a new acronym, CISM, which is the Critical Incident Stress Management team. These mental health pros are trained to help in just these types of scenarios. They were an invaluable source of information. They knew what we were going through before we went through it.

7. Get the troops involved. I grew up Baptist. My mom always made a casserole when someone died. It made her feel like she was helping. Your troops will want to contribute. I asked the section closest to my troop to plan her memorial service. They threw themselves into it with all their heart and energy. The service was phenomenal, the process was therapeutic.

8. Take care of the troop's family. Pick your best officer to liaison with the family. Anticipate the family's needs and questions. They'll want to travel to your location. They'll want to meet with the police or Air Force Office of Special Investigations. They'll want to meet with their loved ones' closest friends in the squadron. Pick your second best officer to be the summary courts officer (deals with personal effects, household goods shipment, correspondence with creditors, claims against the estate, etc.) and release them from any other duties but this. The Air Force encourages non-squadron members for this task but we wanted it ourselves. We wanted seamless support to the family. Your troops will appreciate the efforts to honor the family; it helps them feel good about the unit again. And more importantly, honoring the family is the right thing.

9. People will want answers (there usually aren't any). People will assess blame (morale can nosedive if you let it). I personally believe suicide is a completely irrational event. As rational people, the survivors all want rational answers to this irrational event. We couldn't connect the dots. We were left wondering why and to this day still wonder why.

There's a fine line and inevitable progression between the search for answers and the search for blame. We knew about the professional issues and before her death we thought them to be minor (aircraft upgrades, new duties within the squadron, a pending leave request, etc.). In the days following the suicide, people began pointing fingers at her supervisors, the operations superintendent, the 1st Sergeant and me, looking to place blame.

In reality, my troop was dealing with personal issues many of us never knew about until after her death. More often than not, the heaviest bricks in our basket come from personal relationships not professional ones.

I tried to head off the "blame game" by talking about the rational/irrational dichotomy, telling them the squadron wasn't at fault any more than one of them was at fault, and by telling them as much as I could about our troop while protecting her privacy. Honesty works great.

10. You can't help others if you're a wreck. You need someone to talk to. For me, it was my wife. She was a great supporter throughout all this. Don't forget to eat and exercise. It sounds silly now but you will forget these basics: "I can handle this, I'll tough this out." It's OK to go for a jog. Don't feel guilty. The week after my troop's death was my hardest in command and close to my hardest ever in the Air Force. You need to stay focused at all times but it's OK for your troops to see you cry without losing your composure. It lets them know you hurt right along with them.

Most of my lessons learned are directed at dealing with the aftermath of a successful suicide. What about preventing one? Well, I'm not going to quote statistical research to you, this is my theory based on a sampling of one event, one horrible event.

The first intercessory step of prevention (and the most critical) will happen on a personal level by those friends, squadron mates, and loved ones, who know the potential victim best.

Prevention probably won't happen because a supervisor notices a change in the troop's demeanor; most won't. It won't happen because the potential victim starts asking buddies if he or she can give them the car and other worldly possessions; most won't. We are a small squadron, 120 folks. We fly around the world and share meals in every town from Tel Aviv to Moscow.

We know each other pretty well, and it still happened to us. Do everything you can to encourage abiding friendships within the squadron. Make your unit as warm and hospitable as you can. Let them feel they're a part of something special. Keep them connected to one another. Then meddle, cajole, nitpick and encourage your supervisors to do the same.

Let your folks know the supervisors want and need to know what's going on in their lives. The troops need to believe they have someplace of authority to turn for answers. The bottom line is you're going to rely on your troop having a close friend in your unit and hope that close friend will come to your shirt and say, "Do you have a minute? I need to talk to about Staff Sgt. Jonesy." I'm convinced this is how prevention will happen.